I know. The title sounds bizarre. Very tabloid-ish. But I have a theory. So bear with me.
Before this week, I thought I had fully experienced the Guyana cattle-on-the-road phenomenon that has become part of my daily life. After all, when large cows essentially act as backup to official police/military roadblocks, their reposed bulks forming a secondary barrier for vehicles traveling the highways and main roads, one tends to think there could be nothing to top that.
Oh, how wrong I was.
How was I to know that the cow movement in Guyana is really just part of what must eventually be a global undertaking, secretly known as the “Bovine Invasion”. Ok…it’s not like I have any actual proof of the Bovine Invasion – it could be the “Grand Cattle Capture” for all I know. But the facts to date have led me to this firm conviction that we must watch out for the cows in Guyana. A few nights ago, we were driving into a fairly new “residential settlement” trying to find our way. As per usual as we drove down the main roadway in the area, there were a couple cows lying in the middle of the road. The road was wide enough to avoid them and apart from a fleeting recognition that these cows were somewhat larger than average, we didn’t bother with them. C’est Guyana, après tout.
But when we turned down the side roads, it was a whole new world. There was a HERD of at least 20 cows lying in the road. There could have been more, it was dark and the road was narrow. There was no way forward. Well…except for a Guyanese driver. He pushed forward nonetheless, popping the horn and banging on the sides of the bus. Oh, and yelling something at them. He was unfazed. I was freaked out. See, these weren’t normal cows. First of all, they didn’t move as quickly despite the noise or the large vehicle bearing down on them. Secondly – you should have SEEN them. They were huge. And they had no necks. Large humps growing out the backs of their heads instead. I was minded to think maybe they were bison or a variant like Trini buffalypso, but then the lead bull, the largest and most unmoving turned around and looked at us.
Oh, freaky. Big oval slanted eyes like the stereotypical depiction of alien creatures. Big. Shiny eyes. Scary. He meant business. We made our way through, forcibly. But the image of those otherworldly beings standing in our way, in the wee hours of the morning is now burned in my mind and has led to my realisation. Aliens are here. In the form of cows. In Guyana. And they intend to take over the world. From Guyana. Trust me.
I must admit that there are more than cows on the roads in Guyana. This is well documented. I have documented it. The roads in, out and through Georgetown the capital contain a veritable flood of donkeys, horses, dogs and their varying offspring. I previously lumped the bovines in the same category as the rest of the fauna traffic. But cows are the only ones that sleep on the highways and bye-ways. In herds. And even if they are not “sleeping” they stay there, unmoving like they own the road. Their stares are clearly a challenge to the human inhabitants and judging by their obviously increasing numbers (compared to the Guyanese residents of the homo sapiens variety) they have a purpose. I am now convinced that the other animal species are unwitting pawns in this battle for they never gather on their own with the force and might presented by the cattle herds.
No more will I wonder at the ongoing exodus of the Guyanese people to foreign lands. It’s clearly part of the grand master bovine plan. Guyana is relatively sparsely occupied and developed compared to its vast natural areas. Surely it has much for these animals to flourish as they plot and scheme. But I know now. I’ll watch them. I’ll run at the first sign, but I’ll be watching.
Eat beef.
Or buy plenty shoes. And make style with handbags.
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[...] perhaps this might sound like another “paranoid’ warning about the nefarious alien bovine plots for the Earth. But people in Guyana must clearly be in the know more than I [...]