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Alien Cows Set To Take Over the World

I know. The title sounds bizarre. Very tabloid-ish. But I have a theory. So bear with me.

Before this week, I thought I had fully experienced the Guyana cattle-on-the-road phenomenon that has become part of my daily life. After all, when large cows essentially act as backup to official police/military roadblocks, their reposed bulks forming a secondary barrier for vehicles traveling the highways and main roads, one tends to think there could be nothing to top that.

Oh, how wrong I was.

How was I to know that the cow movement in Guyana is really just part of what must eventually be a global undertaking, secretly known as the “Bovine Invasion”. Ok…it’s not like I have any actual proof of the Bovine Invasion – it could be the “Grand Cattle Capture” for all I know. But the facts to date have led me to this firm conviction that we must watch out for the cows in Guyana. A few nights ago, we were driving into a fairly new “residential settlement” trying to find our way. As per usual as we drove down the main roadway in the area, there were a couple cows lying in the middle of the road. The road was wide enough to avoid them and apart from a fleeting recognition that these cows were somewhat larger than average, we didn’t bother with them. C’est Guyana, après tout.

But when we turned down the side roads, it was a whole new world. There was a HERD of at least 20 cows lying in the road. There could have been more, it was dark and the road was narrow. There was no way forward. Well…except for a Guyanese driver. He pushed forward nonetheless, popping the horn and banging on the sides of the bus. Oh, and yelling something at them. He was unfazed. I was freaked out. See, these weren’t normal cows. First of all, they didn’t move as quickly despite the noise or the large vehicle bearing down on them. Secondly – you should have SEEN them. They were huge. And they had no necks. Large humps growing out the backs of their heads instead. I was minded to think maybe they were bison or a variant like Trini buffalypso, but then the lead bull, the largest and most unmoving turned around and looked at us.

 

Oh, freaky. Big oval slanted eyes like the stereotypical depiction of alien creatures. Big. Shiny eyes. Scary. He meant business. We made our way through, forcibly. But the image of those otherworldly beings standing in our way, in the wee hours of the morning is now burned in my mind and has led to my realisation. Aliens are here. In the form of cows. In Guyana. And they intend to take over the world. From Guyana. Trust me.

 

I must admit that there are more than cows on the roads in Guyana. This is well documented. I have documented it. The roads in, out and through Georgetown the capital contain a veritable flood of donkeys, horses, dogs and their varying offspring. I previously lumped the bovines in the same category as the rest of the fauna traffic. But cows are the only ones that sleep on the highways and bye-ways. In herds. And even if they are not “sleeping” they stay there, unmoving like they own the road. Their stares are clearly a challenge to the human inhabitants and judging by their obviously increasing numbers (compared to the Guyanese residents of the homo sapiens variety) they have a purpose. I am now convinced that the other animal species are unwitting pawns in this battle for they never gather on their own with the force and might presented by the cattle herds.

No more will I wonder at the ongoing exodus of the Guyanese people to foreign lands. It’s clearly part of the grand master bovine plan. Guyana is relatively sparsely occupied and developed compared to its vast natural areas. Surely it has much for these animals to flourish as they plot and scheme. But I know now. I’ll watch them. I’ll run at the first sign, but I’ll be watching.

 

Eat beef.

 

 

Or buy plenty shoes. And make style with handbags.

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26 Comments so far (Add 1 more)

  1. LOL, that’s hilarious. There’s no greater reminder that you’re living in a third world country than the mandatory cow in the road.

    You better watch out, girl, they might assimilate you, lol.

    1. The Manicou on September 12th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
  2. I am watching. After all, while I am used to some livestock in the road being from a semi-rural area, these massive herds taking over people place is something else…

    2. chennette on September 12th, 2006 at 5:44 pm
  3. That is friggin hillarious!!! What are you doing in Guyana anyway? My mother fell hard for Guyana years ago and she keeps promising herself that she will go back to add to her already exceptionally large collection of antique bottles. Our home is littered with pictures of my sister and brother feeding manatees in the Botanical Garden and swimming with otters in the Rupanuni (spelling?!?!?!) Seems liek an awesome place!

    3. wonder weakling on November 18th, 2006 at 10:47 am
  4. I am here for work. I still say I live in Trinidad :-) Guyana is great, and has many wonders and sights, particularly along its huge rivers and in the interior. My parents and uncle has great memories of Georgetown from back in the day, however, but it’s not quite the same.

    4. chennette on November 18th, 2006 at 12:14 pm
  5. I want to come for a visit some time this year and go to Suriname overland. But I haven’t been able to find any addresses for guesthouses in Guyana. Could you recommend somewhere?

    5. Lystra on December 28th, 2006 at 7:35 pm
  6. I know of the Roraim Residence Inn, which is close to town and food and is linked to tour organisers who do package trips to the interior, to Kaiteur etc. There are many hotels, small and medium-sized, not sure about guesthouses per se. You can check this list – http://www.guyana.org/hotels.htm

    6. chennette on December 28th, 2006 at 7:46 pm
  7. Dear Chennette:

    What the heck do you smoke in Guyana? Seriously, “Bovine Invasion”? I am sure that the cow farmers let their cows roam the streets all the time. Just because a cow doesn’t move out of your way while you are driving doesn’t mean it is an extra-terrestrial. It means it’s a cow. And it’s bigger than you so why should it move out of your way? And yes, maybe the big one stared at you. That doesn’t mean it was trying to brainwash you and/or take over the world. It probably was perturbed that you were trying to make it move from it’s spot. You are freaking insane.

    7. Bethany and Sanje on January 8th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
  8. Dear Bethany and Sanje:

    You don’t believe in alien cows? And I didn’t manage to convince you? We’re really sunk then. Goodbye world.

    Chennette, mournfully.

    8. chennette on January 8th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
  9. How’d they find you then? I guess they weren’t searching for Alien Cows Taking Over the world

    9. Lilandra on January 8th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
  10. you mean like all the other searches I get daily for alien cows? someone believes…

    10. chennette on January 8th, 2007 at 11:53 pm
  11. sure they not searches done by yourself?
    part of the illusion of alien cows that you are creating?

    11. Lilandra on January 9th, 2007 at 12:21 am
  12. 12. Lilandra on January 9th, 2007 at 12:22 am
  13. Bovine invasion?! Now correct me if I’m wrong but it would explain 1 thing CATTLE MUTILATION lol all you want but cattle mutilation coupled with these freaky cows! Something must be done and a certain song comes to mind FOR ALL THE COWS. (for thse of you who do not know what I mean it was track 9 on the Foo Fighters debut album and the term foo fighters lets not forget ws coined in ww2 to describe ufo’s and Dave Grhols supposed interest in the ufo phenomenon) Either way interesting now I will eat as much beef products as I can to do the patriotic Earthling thing of helping to get rid of those damned cows I have always been suspicious of those lazy fat bastards!

    13. Steve on August 24th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
  14. Steve! Welcome to the Battle! We can win this one…I just need to convince a few more people…

    14. chennette on August 24th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
  15. I have a new theory after checking out this website again and it has to do with my last post I think Dvae Grhol of the Foo Fighters might have had something to do with this bovine invasion now that I think about his song “For All The Cows” that I mentioned last time well it would at least make sense that he has something to do with this subject but then I cannot say if hes for it or against it but keep in mind in the song he states “My kind has all run out as if kinds could blend” and lets not forget about one of my all time favourite songs COWS WITH GUNS after seeing this website it makes a lot more sense than it being a stupid but funny song! Now a challenge Dave Grhol if you read this post please just let me know wich side your on was for all the cows a covert wanring?

    15. Steve on August 28th, 2007 at 12:45 am
  16. Cows With Guns

    Fat and docile, big and dumb
    They look so stupid, they aren’t much fun
    Cows aren’t Amfun

    They eat to grow, grow to die
    Die to be et at the hamburger fry
    Cows well done

    Nobody thunk it, nobody knew
    No one imagined the great cow guru
    Cows are one

    He hid in the forest, read books with great zeal
    He loved Che Guevera, a revolutionary veal
    Cow Tse Tongue

    He spoke about justice, but nobody stirred
    He felt like an outcast, alone in the herd
    Cow doldrums

    He mooed we must fight, escape or we’ll die
    Cows gathered around, cause the steaks were so high
    Bad cow pun

    But then he was captured, stuffed into a crate
    Loaded onto a truck, where he rode to his fate
    Cows are bummed

    He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy
    No one suspected he was packing an Uzi
    Cows with guns

    They came with a needle to stick in his thigh
    He kicked for the groin, he pissed in their eye
    Cow well hung

    Knocked over a tractor and ran for the door
    Six gallons of gas flowed out on the floor
    Run cows run!

    He picked up a bullhorn and jumped up on the hay
    We are free roving bovines, we run free today

    We will fight for bovine freedom
    And Ehold our large heads Amhigh
    We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
    Cows with guns

    They crashed the gate in a great stampede
    Tipped over a milk truck, torched all the feed
    Cows have fun

    Sixty police cars were piled in a heap
    Covered in cow pies, covered up deep
    Much cow dung

    Black smoke rising, darkening the day
    Twelve burning McDonalds, have it your way

    We will fight for bovine freedom
    And hold our large heads high
    We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
    Cows with guns

    The President said “enough is enough

    These uppity cattle, its time to get tough”
    Cow dung flung

    The newspapers gloated, folks sighed with relief
    Tomorrow at noon, they would all be ground beef
    Cows on buns

    The cows were surrounded, they waited and prayed
    They mooed their last moos,
    they chewed their last hay
    Cows out gunned

    The order was given to turn cows to whoppers
    Enforced by the might of ten thousand coppers
    But on the horizon surrounding the shoppers

    Came the deafening roar of chickens in choppers

    We will fight for bovine freedom
    And hold our large heads high
    We will run free with the Buffalo, or die
    Cows with guns

    heres the lyrics to cows with guns

    16. Steve on August 28th, 2007 at 12:59 am
  17. Steve. You’ve done a lot of research. I think I am going to have to rely on that. Plus, you’re inviting Dave Grohl to visit this page…

    17. chennette on August 28th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
  18. Well mate I was just trying to give you and any one else looking at this site something to think about!

    18. Steve on August 28th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
  19. Heres the lyrics of a song we couldnt pass through this website without thinking that this song could help explain the alien cows it is as follows.

    Artist: Green Jelly
    Song: Obey The Cowgod

    Lyric:

    Are you ready
    To obey
    The Cow
    God?
    We live in a country
    We can’t eat meat
    Obey
    The Cow
    God
    We live in a country
    Where there is no
    There’s no Burger Kings
    Obey
    The Cow
    God
    We live in a country
    Where there is no
    There’s no McDonalds
    Obey
    The Cow
    God
    Ah, dopey, dopey, dopey, dopey
    I’m a cow
    And I’m gonna roam through your village
    And I’m going to eat
    All of your food
    But you don’t care
    Because I’m a
    I’m a
    Sacred
    Cow
    Obey
    The Cow
    God
    We live in a country
    Where there is no
    There’s no Beefcake
    The Mighty
    Obey
    The Cow
    God
    We live in a country
    Where there is no
    There’s no beef
    By-products
    Obey
    The Cow
    God
    You
    On your knees
    You
    Get on your knees
    Where’s those two bone-heads?
    Get on your knees
    Hands behind your heads
    And on your knees
    You
    On your knees
    You
    Get on your knees
    I said
    On your knees
    Get on your knees
    And pray
    To the
    Cow
    God
    Eat my burger
    For it is my flesh
    And drink my milk
    For it is
    My blood
    Obey The Cow God

    20. Steve on August 28th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
  20. Chenette seeing as you got my e-mail adress write me and we can discuss thisd topic further

    21. Steve on August 29th, 2007 at 2:05 am
  21. Steve, I’m in meetings all week, when I return to Guyana I’ll make contact. With you. Not the cattle. Although, I think a picture of those cows are in order. So I’ll be working on that this weekend. Your further research and links are appreciated!

    22. chennette on August 29th, 2007 at 9:35 am
  22. Yes I would like to see a pic of these alien bovine bastards!
    Although last weekend I was doing some late night bushwalking with some mates and we did stumble across a weird sight it was an evil looking cow and an evil looking kangaroo as we aproached it appeared they were discussing something big and important but as soon as they relised we were there they looked at us and chased us untill we got to the main road.

    Long and short I think the evil alien bovines are now working with or for some evil yet poissbly alien kangaroos
    I always had a suspision that there was something going on with one of my countries most iconic native animals.

    Think it could have something to do with the evil alien bovines in guyana?

    Theres a part of me that hopes it does but a part of me thinks if they are conspiaring to work together then GOD HELP US ALL!

    23. Steve on August 30th, 2007 at 12:19 am
  23. Heres the full link for the demonic cow page these evil bovine bastards MUST BE STOPED

    http://www.cultofbob.co.uk/cow/cow1.html

    24. Steve on September 4th, 2007 at 2:00 am
  24. Ever heard of the conspiracy that L. Ron Hubbard was realy a demonic bovine alien? If not you have now!

    25. Steve on September 19th, 2007 at 1:40 am
  25. To everyone reading this site,
    In regards to a previous post I put on this site I know now for a fact that L Ron Hubbard was not just an evil cow alien but all this time the evil bovine aliens have been using not just scientology to push their evil agenda but theyr’e using “pop singers” to do it as well I mean why on earth would “singers” such as Shannon Knoll, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, The Pussycat Doll and Robbie Williams be so famous theyr’e using their so called music to brainwash the unsuspecting populace of earth into a moronic lull of crap music so when the time comes for the aliens to have their bovine soldiers to rise up against the human race no one will suspect what the cows are realy up to I will say this it aint gonna be fun and games like the song cows with guns it will awfull and nasty like Ooops I did it again or as painfull as 1 nano second of a robbie williams concert put together! now if this post does not convince you all of the bovine threat to all of humanity then I have no chance in hell of having you infidels believe it untill it is already far to late for us all.

    26. Steve on September 25th, 2007 at 1:53 am

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  1. […] perhaps this might sound like another “paranoid’ warning about the nefarious alien bovine plots for the Earth. But people in Guyana must clearly be in the know more than I […]

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